Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
News Feeds
NFE/1.0Google News - U.S.http://news.google.com/news?ned=us&topic=nennews-feedback@google.com©2008 GoogleTue, 23 Jun 2009 19:46:34 GMTTue, 23 Jun 2009 19:46:34 GMTGoogle Newshttp://news.google.com/intl/en_us/images/news_res.gifhttp://news.google.com/9 fatalities confirmed in DC Metro train crash - Los Angeles Timeshttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/0-0&fd=R&url=http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/bal-dc-metro-train-crash0623,0,7458786.story&cid=1265978031&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNFQMolq6BvcvpMQr2Mk7h3qaPRRLwtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1265978031Tue, 23 Jun 2009 16:29:45 GMT
Obama condemns Iran violence, singles out shooting of woman seen ... - Los Angeles Timeshttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/1-0&fd=R&url=http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-obama-news-conference24-2009jun24,0,6463940.story&cid=1266353714&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNEbt_FG5zMNQNKQHaYuRr2egwJXWAtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1266353714Tue, 23 Jun 2009 19:00:21 GMT
Gov. returning to SC after worries, criticism over whereabouts - CNN Internationalhttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/2-0&fd=R&url=http://edition.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/06/23/south.carolina.governor.hiking/&cid=1265908944&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNHcWto5K83BtKBYdBQ3Aby7UaXfsgtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1265908944Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:38:46 GMT
Albany Democrats Lock Themselves in the Senate Chamber - New York Timeshttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/3-0&fd=R&url=http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/24/nyregion/24albany.html%3Fem&cid=1264797072&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNFZA952Q69SG1BZqcXh09QkFv3Acwtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1264797072Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:38:02 GMT
7 hurt in Pasadena transit bus crash - Los Angeles Timeshttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/4-0&fd=R&url=http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2009/06/7-hurt-in-pasadena-transit-bus-crash.html&cid=1266490576&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNF4NdmwDxG1GAnvXWiJ7Q-RR637ZAtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1266490576Tue, 23 Jun 2009 19:26:08 GMT
Window opens on fateful days of Nixon presidency - The Associated Presshttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/5-0&fd=R&url=http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5i-vbi0q9luJmJEhvPouO9S6gNujQD990FL680&cid=1266019771&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNHVHhs7wNC9kIZNBpKzCO2YR1gPdwtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1266019771Tue, 23 Jun 2009 16:00:41 GMT
F-16 crashes in Utah; pilot's condition unknown - msnbc.comhttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/6-0&fd=R&url=http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31510362/ns/us_news-military/&cid=1266301256&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNH1sY6QCgsvMWe8YTo_o7-g_QCPPQtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1266301256Tue, 23 Jun 2009 19:27:13 GMT
Lobbying Frenzy Begins as House Climate Bill Heads for Floor - New York Timeshttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/7-0&fd=R&url=http://www.nytimes.com/gwire/2009/06/23/23greenwire-lobbying-frenzy-begins-as-house-climate-bill-he-7715.html&cid=1266055700&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNGI-02FaeyEt8nlc-DcQMbF5AcNdwtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1266055700Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:51:00 GMT
Obama admits occasional cigarette - The Associated Presshttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/8-0&fd=R&url=http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hBjW6btDpPBV33E8Uuj3XiQX_09AD990GRVO1&cid=1263156917&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNFtROOPREa5lwfAfuHrptKcFEIJBQtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1263156917Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:20:46 GMT
Ensign Apologizes for Affair in Private Meeting With GOP Lawmakers - FOXNewshttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/9-0&fd=R&url=http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/06/23/ensign-apologizes-affair-private-meeting-gop-lawmakers&cid=1264935214&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNG4ODRUa-FXYMVkD3gzOYL-sDMFCwtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1264935214Tue, 23 Jun 2009 19:31:08 GMT
Supreme Court narrows but preserves Voting Rights Act - Los Angeles Timeshttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/10-0&fd=R&url=http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-court-voting23-2009jun23,0,5494880.story&cid=1264123723&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNHNAowS1fEQty1hZ6Y9D-cmTgfM3wtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1264123723Tue, 23 Jun 2009 07:02:10 GMT
San Franciscans now must sort compost from trash - The Associated Presshttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/11-0&fd=R&url=http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jd6t412OX4WRQcnbTVpn77wm2dswD990INE80&cid=1266436952&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNHNgTPXI0PqypqkVJwldxjpXJkIYAtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1266436952Tue, 23 Jun 2009 19:31:14 GMT
Gates asks Gulf leaders for more Afghanistan help - The Associated Presshttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/12-0&fd=R&url=http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5i1cvs8Wh0J3ahTDxXhU-eO0alBTgD990IQ5O0&cid=1266006598&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNEViMjTt7zA8SZwud6cL-ujvVfcEAtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1266006598Tue, 23 Jun 2009 19:31:18 GMT
Senate Panel Trims Interior-Epa Budget From House Levels - New York Timeshttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/13-0&fd=R&url=http://www.nytimes.com/gwire/2009/06/23/23greenwire-senate-panel-trims-interior-epa-budget-from-ho-14536.html&cid=1265883748&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNERGVEoysbuOACxopf7Mkvii6OyzAtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1265883748Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:51:00 GMT
Napolitano Plans to End Domestic Spy Satellite Program - Washington Posthttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/14-0&fd=R&url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/23/AR2009062302060.html%3Fhpid%3Dtopnews&cid=1265430839&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNG_bjtdm5vd9uwaDc4Hg66INDzODAtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1265430839Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:35:09 GMT
First on the CNN Ticker: RNC slams Obama in first TV ad - CNN Political Tickerhttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/15-0&fd=R&url=http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/06/23/first-on-the-cnn-ticker-rnc-slams-obama-in-first-tv-ad/&cid=1266484956&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNFM2cFaFQO8ZEK7HU83KHPV54Buuwtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1266484956Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:32:00 GMT
Barbour on 2012 decision: probably never - CNN Political Tickerhttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/16-0&fd=R&url=http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/06/23/barbour-on-2012-decision-probably-never/&cid=1265860908&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNEhOGh22FCTr2rUq8rOhajjqB7DIgtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1265860908Tue, 23 Jun 2009 19:18:33 GMT
NYC, teachers agree to modify future pension plan - BusinessWeekhttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/17-0&fd=R&url=http://www.businessweek.com/ap/financialnews/D990FJQG1.htm&cid=1266032751&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNFIksJa0sPwSAWhUr5Rr3d-0ao6Pgtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1266032751Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:50:41 GMT
Southern Baptists Oust Church - Washington Posthttp://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/18-0&fd=R&url=http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/undergod/2009/06/rejection_back_on_southern_baptist_agenda.html%3Fhpid%3Dtalkbox1&cid=1265194122&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNFb-7LWjpKOiz14TCh1bVHLfRRAEAtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1265194122Tue, 23 Jun 2009 16:29:51 GMT
Thousands call for higher taxes in Illinois - KWQC 6http://news.google.com/news/url?sa=T&ct=us/19-0&fd=R&url=http://www.kwqc.com/Global/story.asp%3FS%3D10581335%26nav%3Dmenu83_2&cid=1265226948&ei=GjFBSqmbLpTYNqqryPAG&usg=AFQjCNE_dImtwQdOzJijTZC_Sl0qKHcD9Qtag:news.google.com,2005:cluster=1265226948Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:34:34 GMT
Google News - U.S.
 Telegraph.co.uk | 9 fatalities confirmed in DC Metro train crash Los Angeles Times By Paul West, Baltimore Sun reporter WASHINGTON -- Nine fatalities have been confirmed in the worst accident in the history of Washington's Metro subway system, authorities said Tuesday morning. Video: At least 6 killed in Washington subway crash Crash subway 'warned over trains' |
 guardian.co.uk | Obama condemns Iran violence, singles out shooting of woman seen ... Los Angeles Times Iranian protests are among hot topics at the president's news conference today, which also covered his push for healthcare reform, 'clean energy' jobs and the president's efforts to quit smoking. Video: Obama Signs Tobacco Control Bill - Bloomberg Obama harshly condemns Iran crackdown on protesters |
 Washington Post | Gov. returning to SC after worries, criticism over whereabouts CNN International By Peter Hamby COLUMBIA, South Carolina (CNN) -- Gov. Mark Sanford will return to his office Wednesday following widespread confusion over his whereabouts, a spokesman for the South Carolina Republican said. South Carolina Governor to Return to Office Wednesday Sanford's Disapperance: He's Just A Weird Guy |
 New York Daily News | Albany Democrats Lock Themselves in the Senate Chamber New York Times By DANNY HAKIM and JEREMY W. PETERS ALBANY - Senate Democrats entered the Senate chamber through a back hallway on Tuesday afternoon and locked themselves in, pulling off a sneak attack of sorts in the ongoing battle for control of the State Senate. Video: What's next in the NYS Senate? New York Senators Return for Special Session |
 Sacramento Bee | 7 hurt in Pasadena transit bus crash Los Angeles Times At least seven people suffered moderate injuries this morning when a Pasadena transit bus jumped the curb during a traffic collision and struck a bus bench, authorities said. Pasadena bus in collision, 3 injured Bus loses control, runs into bus stop |
 Washington Post | Window opens on fateful days of Nixon presidency The Associated Press WASHINGTON (AP) - When the Watergate scandal grew into a full-bore crisis unraveling Richard Nixon's presidency, aides hatched a "game plan" to save him. More Nixon tapes to be made public Newly released tapes: Nixon threatened Vietnam leader, wanted GOP ... |
 NECN | F-16 crashes in Utah; pilot's condition unknown msnbc.com June 22: Walter Fricke, a helicopter pilot during the Vietnam War, talks about founding The Veterans Airlift Command, which provides free air transportation for wounded and recovering troops and veterans and their families through a national network of ... F-16 Crashes In Utah; Pilot Missing F-16 crashes in Utah; pilot's status unknown |
 The Farmer | Lobbying Frenzy Begins as House Climate Bill Heads for Floor New York Times By DARREN SAMUELSOHN, Greenwire House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's plan to bring a major climate and energy measure to the floor Friday has prompted a whirlwind of lobbying. House aims for Friday vote on climate bill Global warming bill swells with Dem deals |
 Globe and Mail | Obama admits occasional cigarette The Associated Press WASHINGTON (AP) - One day after signing legislation giving the government unprecedented power to regulate tobacco, President Barack Obama is admitting that he's sometimes "fallen off the wagon" in his own effort to stop smoking. Video: Obama vs Tobacco. Tobacco wins Reluctantly, President Obama Admits He Still Smokes But Is “95% Cured” |
 Seattle Post Intelligencer | Ensign Apologizes for Affair in Private Meeting With GOP Lawmakers FOXNews The Nevada senator issued a "heartfelt" apology to his GOP colleagues Tuesday for the extramarital affair he publicly confessed to in a news conference last week. Ensign apologizes to Senate colleagues over affair Ensign Apologizes For Affair, Gets Round Of Applause From GOP ... |
 ABC News | Supreme Court narrows but preserves Voting Rights Act Los Angeles Times The justices leave Section 5 safeguards intact while allowing municipalities with a clean record to 'bail out.' Clarence Thomas dissents, saying he would strike down the provision. Video: Scotus voting rights Compromise Prevails in US High Court Voting Ruling |
San Franciscans now must sort compost from trash The Associated Press SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - Sorting glass and other recyclables out of household trash will no longer be enough in San Francisco. Anything that can be composted also has to be separated. San Franciscans Will Have to Pay Up for Not Recycling The Nation's Most Ambitious Recycling Law |
 The Associated Press | Gates asks Gulf leaders for more Afghanistan help The Associated Press WASHINGTON (AP) - Defense Secretary Robert Gates urged military leaders from the Persian Gulf region to help with security and development of Afghanistan, saying there is only a "fleeting opportunity" now to turn the stalemated war around. Gates Urges Gulf States to 'Embrace' Iraq to Put Brakes on Iran Pentagon Chief Handles Iraq's Government With Care |
 WWL First News | Senate Panel Trims Interior-Epa Budget From House Levels New York Times By NOELLE STRAUB, ROBIN BRAVENDER AND TARYN LUNTZ, Greenwire Legislation approved this morning by a Senate panel would slash environmental agencies' spending by $200 million from the levels approved by House appropriators. House refuses to delay tax break Senate Panel Approves Interior Appropriations Bill |
 MiamiHerald.com | Napolitano Plans to End Domestic Spy Satellite Program Washington Post By Spencer S. Hsu Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano will notify Congress this afternoon that her department is killing a controversial Bush administration program to expand the use of spy satellite imagery by domestic law enforcement and ... White House to Abandon Spy-Satellite Program AP source: DHS to kill domestic satellite spying |
 ABC News | First on the CNN Ticker: RNC slams Obama in first TV ad CNN Political Ticker WASHINGTON (CNN) –- The Republican National Committee slams President Obama's plan to reform the nation's health care system in a new television ad that is set to air Wednesday on national cable television. 9 of 10 Americans worry about Obama's spending deficits: Poll Obama agenda: Another national poll |
 Washington Post | Barbour on 2012 decision: probably never CNN Political Ticker WASHINGTON (CNN) - When a leading Republican public official visits New Hampshire and Iowa back-to-back, it sparks speculation of a 2012 run for the Republican presidential nomination. McDonnell ducks on mining question while stumping with Mississippi ... RNC gives $1.5 million to Virginia's mcdonnell |
 NY1 | NYC, teachers agree to modify future pension plan BusinessWeek New York City and The United Federation of Teachers have tentatively agreed to support legislation to modify pension plans for future teachers. UFT pact with NYC: Oh, always, best for the kids.... Teachers union agrees to cut pension benefits |
 Patrol Magazine | Southern Baptists Oust Church Washington Post The slowly shrinking Southern Baptist Convention voted on Tuesday to sever 125-year-old ties with a Texas church that allowed homosexual members to have their photos in the church directory. Southern Baptists cut ties with Fort Worth's Broadway Baptist Southern Baptists Reject Gay-Affirming Church |
 St. Louis Post-Dispatch | Thousands call for higher taxes in Illinois KWQC 6 AP - June 23, 2009 2:34 PM ET SPRINGFIELD, Ill. (AP) - Thousands of people squeezed into the Illinois Capitol to protest possible budget cuts and instead demand higher taxes. As $5 million in budget cuts loom, Illinois immigrant advocates ... FamilyCare suit settled |
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
(Thanks Jessica)
Sure, there are some pretty stupid criminals out there. Yet this excerpt from a Washington Post article proves that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post labeled this article, "The Best Comeback Line Ever"
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?"
Let’s face it – we’ve all had our share of embarrassing moments. Just be thankful that none of them were as humiliating (and hilarious!) as these:
"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."
"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’
An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"
The World’s Funniest Real Ads
Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."
Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"
1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?" "Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action". Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants! His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
"If your house were on fire, what single object would you take with you?"
This is a question that becomes difficult to answer largely through lack of context.
Let's assume I'm trying to pick an object to take OUT of the house. Let's assume all people and pets are already out. Let's assume I'm clothed, and I have my wallet/ID and that someone has already called the fire department. Let's assume that the fire itself does not count as an object that can be removed, safely, by me (otherwise, that's what I'd take out of the house). Oh, wait, let's assume it's a house, not an apartment. And that my car is over yonder, not in the house's garage.
This leaves the original intent of the question intact: what irreplaceable thing do I possess that I would most want to save. Probably my hard drive. In fact, most people seem to pick binary data, rather than objects. But I also have old-fashioned photos and even (gasp) written letters. And books. Does "book collection" count as one thing? I couldn't carry it out very fast, that's for sure. I bet my housefire would hold steady at 451 degrees for a long, long time.
Born Old
My Mom says that my preschool teachers accused me of being born old. They said I'd made them feel sheepish in a way that no other child they'd ever met had made them feel sheepish. They had been orchestrating some kind of pretending game in which they were supposed to be circus ponies. Lucy Day the preschooler was not convinced. "You don't look like circus ponies." And indeed they were not cicrusy or pony-like. They were sheepish.
Turmoil in Lobo's Lense
Joe Lopo was a man of mild temperament, short stature, and had the goal to become the world's fastest telephone eater. Though Lopo never knew even basic physics, he created a telescope capable of sighting the smallest hair on an alien who lived quite a few lightyears away. Joe Lopo quickly destroyed a large boulder and used the shattered remains to form eight small statues that strongly resembled tiny creatures being or related to the water flea. He placed them in a circular pattern to form a sort of shrine and placed the telescope in the middle of it. He then channeled the power of the stone water fleas into the telescope to view the power of the heavens. He was in a trance with the beauty of the mysterious dimension and didn't even notice the very large tornado heading toward him.The shrine was quickly demolished and the immediate withdrawl of power sent Joe Lobo into a lair of pitch blackness found to be a parallel dimension that caused anyone whose first name began with J, along with M,L, and Q, to become rather uncomfortable. Joe was also suddenly introduced to undroclamaticolomphasisciousy, the eccentric tapeworm with a strong morrocan accent."I'm undroclamaticolomphasisciousy, the eccentric tapeworm. I like pizza so how are ya doin?""I have no idea," said Joe. "I feel very uncomfortable."A small beep was heard. "Oh, that's me," said the worm. He pulled out his cell phone. "Hey, I like pizza so how are ya' doin?""You're too late," said the one on the other side of the line."I know I am!" he said, as he quickly hung up. "Anyway, I've come to meet you," he said to me."I suspected that suspicious suspectial suspision," I said. "Why did you come to meet me?""Because," said the tapeworm. "You are the chosen dude."A million tiny fabrics twisted in the shape of a microwave opened the space around me and started marching toward me, chanting, "Chosen dude, chosen dude, chosen dude...""Why am I the chosen dude?" asked Joe."Because," said the worm. He pointed to the tissue hanging out of my side pocket. "The sign.""The sign, the sign, the sign...!" chanted the fabrics."I'm afraid there has been a mistake," said Joe. "Please release me.""You shall be released," stated the worm. "On one condition: you assist this cat in consuming the sacred erasible pen."The fabrics gasped. Joe shoved the erasible pen in the cat's mouth. The cat suddenly morphed into a gargantuan capybara and exploded.The worm scowled at Joe. He was not supposed to complete the task."You, still shall not be released," said the worm. "We are dependent upon the powers of the chosen one. You shall remain with us!" But just as he said this, Minnie Turner, the girl who lived inside of a shoebox on a desert island for fourteen years in 1672, appeared in the dimension. She tainted the worm using a glass of grape juice and compressed the subatomic particles in the fabrics until a black hole formed. Joe and Minnie entered and vanished from the dimension, to enter a new one that resembleed the innards of a cable modem device."Why did you save me?" asked Joe?
"Mark the wrong one," said Minnie.Then everything went "SKWADLIDOO!" and disappeared and Joe found himself alone, at his home on earth.Joe then ate a telephone.
This section of randomness was shoved upon the internet without warning on Saturday, April 25, 2003 by GiganticPuffyFluffball
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