A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up. 
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

(Thanks Jessica)

Sure, there are some pretty stupid criminals out there. Yet this excerpt from a Washington Post article proves that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post labeled this article, "The Best Comeback Line Ever"

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?"

Let’s face it – we’ve all had our share of embarrassing moments. Just be thankful that none of them were as humiliating (and hilarious!) as these:

"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"

"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."

"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’

An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"

The World’s Funniest Real Ads

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.   The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man.  "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your  wife's breast."  The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW!  He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.  The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.   The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."  The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP.  The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.   "That was great," the pro says with a straight face.  "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're  supposed to!"

 Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my    penis erect, can you    help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well    the problem is that the    muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really    nothing I can do for    you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks    sadly, "And that    would be?" "Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the    muscles from the    trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks    about it silently then    says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex    again is too much,    let's go for it."    Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and    healing, returned to the Doc    for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack    "healed and ready    for action".    Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a    romantic evening for    his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town,    anticipating a happy    conclusion to the evening. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring    between his legs that    continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack    placed his napkin on    his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his    pants, flipped the    napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and    then returned to his    pants!    His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the    possibilities, said with a sly    smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it    again?" Jack groaned,    "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

"If your house were on fire, what single object would you take with you?"

 This is a question that becomes difficult to answer largely through lack of context.

Let's assume I'm trying to pick an object to take OUT of the house.  Let's assume all people and pets are already out.  Let's assume I'm clothed, and I have my wallet/ID and that someone has already called the fire department.  Let's assume that the fire itself does not count as an object that can be removed, safely, by me (otherwise, that's what I'd take out of the house).  Oh, wait, let's assume it's a house, not an apartment.  And that my car is over yonder, not in the house's garage.

This leaves the original intent of the question intact: what irreplaceable thing do I possess that I would most want to save.  Probably my hard drive.  In fact, most people seem to pick binary data, rather than objects.  But I also have old-fashioned photos and even (gasp) written letters.  And books.  Does "book collection" count as one thing?  I couldn't carry it out very fast, that's for sure.  I bet my housefire would hold steady at 451 degrees for a long, long time.

"If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway."

This is what happened to the sugar container at work. We used to have one of those glass dispensers like restaurants have, but now we have a Rubbermaid bottle. = )

Superior genetic material.

I only grew one wisdom tooth. That means that only one had to be removed. I am the future.

Born Old

My Mom says that my preschool teachers accused me of being born old. They said I'd made them feel sheepish in a way that no other child they'd ever met had made them feel sheepish. They had been orchestrating some kind of pretending game in which they were supposed to be circus ponies. Lucy Day the preschooler was not convinced. "You don't look like circus ponies." And indeed they were not cicrusy or pony-like. They were sheepish.

Turmoil in Lobo's Lense

Joe Lopo was a man of mild temperament, short stature, and had the goal to become the world's fastest telephone eater.  Though Lopo never knew even basic physics, he created a telescope capable of sighting the smallest hair on an alien who lived quite a few lightyears away.  Joe Lopo quickly destroyed a large boulder and used the shattered remains to form eight small statues that strongly resembled tiny creatures being or related to the water flea.  He placed them in a circular pattern to form a sort of shrine and placed the telescope in the middle of it.  He then channeled the power of the stone water fleas into the telescope to view the power of the heavens.  He was in a trance with the beauty of the mysterious dimension and didn't even notice the very large tornado heading toward him.

The shrine was quickly demolished and the immediate withdrawl of power sent Joe Lobo into a lair of pitch blackness found to be a parallel dimension that caused anyone whose first name began with J, along with M,L, and Q, to become rather uncomfortable.  Joe was also suddenly introduced to undroclamaticolomphasisciousy, the eccentric tapeworm with a strong morrocan accent.

"I'm undroclamaticolomphasisciousy, the eccentric tapeworm.  I like pizza so how are ya doin?"

"I have no idea," said Joe.  "I feel very uncomfortable."

A small beep was heard.  "Oh, that's me," said the worm.  He pulled out his cell phone.  "Hey, I like pizza so how are ya' doin?"

"You're too late," said the one on the other side of the line.

"I know I am!" he said, as he quickly hung up.  "Anyway, I've come to meet you," he said to me.

"I suspected that suspicious suspectial suspision," I said.  "Why did you come to meet me?"

"Because," said the tapeworm.  "You are the chosen dude."

A million tiny fabrics twisted in the shape of a microwave opened the space around me and started marching toward me, chanting, "Chosen dude, chosen dude, chosen dude..."

"Why am I the chosen dude?" asked Joe.

"Because," said the worm.  He pointed to the tissue hanging out of my side pocket.  "The sign."

"The sign, the sign, the sign...!" chanted the fabrics.

"I'm afraid there has been a mistake," said Joe.  "Please release me."

"You shall be released," stated the worm.  "On one condition:  you assist this cat in consuming the sacred erasible pen."

The fabrics gasped.  Joe shoved the erasible pen in the cat's mouth.  The cat suddenly morphed into a gargantuan capybara and exploded.

The worm scowled at Joe.  He was not supposed to complete the task.

"You, still shall not be released," said the worm.  "We are dependent upon the powers of the chosen one.  You shall remain with us!"  But just as he said this, Minnie Turner, the girl who lived inside of a shoebox on a desert island for fourteen years in 1672, appeared in the dimension.  She tainted the worm using a glass of grape juice and compressed the subatomic particles in the fabrics until a black hole formed.  Joe and Minnie entered and vanished from the dimension, to enter a new one that resembleed the innards of a cable modem device.

"Why did you save me?" asked Joe?
"Mark the wrong one," said Minnie.

Then everything went "SKWADLIDOO!" and disappeared and Joe found himself alone, at his home on earth.

Joe then ate a telephone.

This section of randomness was shoved upon the internet without warning on Saturday, April 25, 2003 by GiganticPuffyFluffball

Lobsters

Jeddidiah was thinking of ways to wipe out all of penguin kind by using a spoon
and dental floss. Hmmm.... So far he has massacred around uhh...2. He cannot
talk because the lobsters are gnawing at his only kneecap he has left, and that
is the left one. Oh no!!! The've got ahold of his prostetic knee!! What type of
lobsters are they???!!?! He  starts to smell some mashed potatoes, they might
come in handy in the penguin plan..... 
--DelTaco

Laundromat:  Episode II

Guy: Im back

Laundry Lady: You cannot walk into my store wearing sliced turkey over your head.

Guy: Yes I can.

Laundry Lady: No you cant

Guy: Are you shure?

[Guy tries to bribe lady with a coathanger.]

Laundry Lady: Leave the Laundromat!

Guy: After you give me some peanuts!

Laundry Lady: You really want those peanuts, dont you?

Guy: Maybe, Maybe Not

Laundy Lady: Leave!

Guy: You shall not live to be older than two cycles of a halibuts unicycle, for Orville Redenbaucher, the popcorn guy, is coming for you. Hahahahaha! All hail Orville..All Hail Orville..

[lady calls the SWAT Team, and the swat team spray the guy with mace untill his eyes puff up and explode, causing the Advill on the counter to topple]

stories

Once upon a time in the land of Fliggimites lived a happy little thing by the name of Joseph.  Joseph once decided to go on an adventure and go atop the great mountain of Floosh to annoy the red dragon.  And so he left, with his pal, Gandaarghlee the wizard, to Mount Floosh.  Along the way he stole the golden toe ring of a guy named Walmart, and met many trolls and elves and dwarves and other odd mutated humanoid creatures, including this one guy made out of bologna that we didn't like very much, so we laughed at him and he was sad.

So we finally reached the mountan of Floosh and hiked up to the top.  Then the red dragon appeared and tossed us in the firy lava pit on the top, which hurt a lot, but by some  chance we won the battle and were very happy, and then we hiked back home, but Walmart trapped us and ate us.

The end.

random stories

Hello, my name is Ewala. I come from the planet Alawe, in the galaxy Ewala, in the universe Alawe. But the point is I tried. If you think you need to go to the bakery, please do so now, because I do not want to be interrupted while I tell you my story. ...but anyway, I have been thinking about my happiness lately and have come to the conclusion that I am happy. This is annoying. If you saw a chicken as happy as me, I'll replace it, and give you a full refund... no questions asked! But that's not the point. The point is I am battery operated.  Well, actually I am not.  But that's not the point. What is the point? "The point is everyone should have my game and timetable! screamed someone who I subsequently smacked across the face and decapitated before sending him home in a cardboard box. Before I introduce myself, let me share with you a story. A story about me, and how great I am. But first, I think it would be appropriate to introduce myself. I am going to do this soon. So, it all started, in a smelly house, north of Wellington, south of Arizona and east of where you are sitting right now. It was a dark night, with no birds nor chickens, and it was raining a silent rain. There were too many stars to count, and not enough clouds to cover them. I like chickens. But anyway, what was I doing in this smelly house? "I was laughing at the boxes of dog food with you, remember!?" said Stevens grandma, but she was wrong. What was I doing? That's right, I was writing this story. Now back to the story.  I needed to find something, so looked for it, and the most amazing thing happened! I FOUND IT!!! Guess what it was??? it was a piece of crispy bacon, which I dropped last Christmas. I thought the dog ate it, but I guess it didnt. There were many things over there where I always looked for things, but I didn't like them, so I don't know why I was always looking for them. But this thing I did like. And this thing, it liked me right back in the face. But I don't like things that like me. They smell funny. So I made it friends with it, seduced it, then strangled it in the night and ate it's flesh. The bacon wasn't happy with this, and laughed itself to sleep. But then in the plane, he needed to go pee, so I laughed myself to sleep as he pissed himself to wake. He was definitely awake when the plane started to fall. He was definitely going to fall with the plane, and he was definitely going to get lost again. And lost he did get. Lost in the eternal sea of human sadness, lyrically beautiful without the physical countenance to outweigh it's inherent irony. And that was where he found himself, lost in an abysmal abyss... That was where he found himself. He was taken to new levels of excitement, when he found himself. Oh what a day.... Oh ...what a day. But this was to be expected, because he was not just random. He was ranDom with a capital D. But anyway, who cares about the bacon, this story is about me. Me and my eternal instructions of destruction from underneath. Me and my inherent understanding of the ways of the universe.  Me and my happiness.  Me and my sadness.  Me, and my bacon. THE END